My first kiss was behind the high school at 4 in the morning. I had spent the night talking to my sister's best friend who was going through some extremely difficult times. My sister had left her MSN up one night (I had the only computer in the household, and it was in my room) so I reached out to her best friend via that MSN account. As she wanted to chat, I switched accounts and we chatted all through the night. By early morning, we'd decided to meet. She said she needed to be held. She kissed me almost immediately, and the experience was almost overwhelming.
I became a rock to that girl - in a way explicitly expressed by her parents repeatedly, and over the next few months we fell in love. She loved my sense of humour and tireless patience. I loved her spontaneous behaviour and her tomboyish charm.
We fell apart when she moved away and she began an affair. On a hunch, I talked to the guy she was cheating on me with who confirmed my suspicion - he didn't know either.
We still talk from time to time. I was initially glad that her life was troubled after I'd left - Scott broke up with her and she contracted mono. But her life carried into a downward spin that I wish I could help more with.
I don't even deserve your friendship, is what it boils down to. It's like I have some mindset that convinces myself that I WILL make-it-up-to/redeem myself for terrible, unforgiveable behavior "down the road" with people- I'll be in a place where I am just f***ing up everything, and so I disappear as to remove the person I love from everything I am destroying, and then either they wise-up, and not talk to me anymore, or I move farther away, and never get that chance to prove how AWESOME they are and how much love I have in my heart for them, etc. I don't know, Chris. I am sorry, and that's not enough and never will be. But I can say, some of the most pure and happy of moments in my life, are directly because of you. And for that I am eternally grateful. I guess I just dropped outta sight so that you could live your life and not deal with all of the inevatable shit-storms I bring on. And look- you're doing amazing things :) And to discuss my first true love, would be describing you. So, thanks for that too.
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